No Place Like Blood Gulch
by ShadowBobcat10
Summary: There is no place like Blood Gulch. There really isn't. So sit back for more Blood Gulch chronicles, with all your favorite characters all in your favorite place. (I cannot promise Caboose won't be dumber than elbow grease, though.) Rated M for language, violence, violent language, and the phrase cockbite.
1. Where's the Wrench?

**Author's note: We start out our** _ **Blood Gulch Chronicles**_ **with some more stupid, comedy, action stuff. But that's what** _ **Blood Gulch**_ **is all about!**

* * *

Where's the Wrench? 

_We start on the roof of the_ **Blue Base** _, with_ **Caboose** _and_ **Church** _in front of the teleporter. There is an open toolbox next to_ **Caboose**.

 **Caboose:** Where's the screwdriver?

 **Church** : You mean the wrench. I told you to find the wrench.

 **Caboose** : …

 **Church** : Caboose?

 **Tucker** _walks up to the crew from below._

 **Tucker:** Hey guys, have you fixed the teleporter yet? ( _Looks at the damaged bolt.)_ Where's the wrench?

 **Church** : I was just looking–

 **Caboose** : I found the screwdriver! _(Triumphantly displays screwdriver.)_

 **Tucker and Church** : …

 _We change scenes to_ **Red Base**. **Sarge** _is counting off pushups, but though_ **Simmons** _and_ **Grif** _are also there,_ _it is clear that only_ **Donut** _is still doing them._

 **Sarge** : Three hundred and forty-five, four hundred and sixty-one, five hundred and–

 **Grif** : Sarge, that's not how you count. And besides, no one but Donut's doing pushups anymore.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, Grif. Let Sarge do what he wants. Sarge knows best.

 **Sarge** : That's the spirit. Four thousand and twenty one. _(Continued nonsense counting in the background.)_

 **Grif** : Oh, I wish that Sarge gave me Simmons's lips so I'd figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, Grif. ( _Explosion_ )

 **Donut** : _(Pauses pushups)_ What was that sound? Was it– Oh my God! There's a tank coming at us!

 _Cut to_ **Blue Base** _roof. Church, Tucker, and Caboose are still bickering_.

 **Church:** Tucker, get Caboose out of here.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, get the fuck out.

 **Caboose** : Ah, but I want to help.

 **Tucker** : _(pushing Caboose violently)_ Get. Fucking. Out. Go talk to Sheila or something.

 **Church** : Yeah. Stop bothering us.

 **Caboose** : Okay. _(Walks down into the base.)_

 **Church** : Now that we've gotten rid of him, where's the wrench?

 **Tucker** : Why're you asking me?

 _Cut to the outside of_ **Blue Base** _where_ **Sheila** _is parked._

 **Caboose** : _(Walks up to Sheila)_ Hi Sheila.

 **Sheila** : Hi Caboose. What brings you here today?

 **Caboose** : Tucker and Church kick me out of the base. How are you doing, Sheila?

 **Sheila** : Fine, thank you. Would you like to have a ride? _(Opens cockpit)_

 **Caboose** : Yes! Oh, please don't shoot Church. He gets very angry when I kill him _(quietly)_ again.

 **Sheila** : Of course. Hop in. _(Caboose gets in, and they drive off towards_ **Red Base** )

 _Cut to_ **Red Base.** _Simmons, Sarge, and Grif are staring at_ **Caboose** _and_ **Sheila** _as_ **Sheila** _shells the Reds._

 **Simmons** : It looks like that idiot on the Blue Team. I think his name's Caboose.

 **Sarge** : Good analysis, Simmons.

 **Grif** : What's the point of an analysis? _(Explosion)_ We're getting shelled! We need to move!

 **Sarge** : Shut up, Grif!

 **Simmons** : Yeah, shut up, Grif. _(Explosion)_

 **Griff** : Fuck you, cockbite.

 **Simmons** : Cockbite.

 **Donut** : (Shell lands on him) Son of a bitch– _(explosion)_

 **Sarge** : _(fake tears)_ She was a good soldier.

 **Grif** : Yeah, no one liked him anyway.

 **Sarge** : Shut up, Grif.

 **Simmons** : _(explosion)_ We're getting shelled. We need to move!

 **Sarge** : Good idea, Simmons.

 **Grif** : Hey, I just said that!

 **Sarge** : But you didn't have Simmons's elegance.

 **Simmons** : Thank you, sir.

 **Grif:** I think you mean eloquence.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, Grif. Let's use the Warthog. Shotgun!

 **Grif** : Fuck!

 **Sarge** : Good idea, Simmons. Get moving, ladies. To the Warthog. _(Sarge and Simmons run out of the base)_

 **Grif** : Still looks more like a puma. _(Follows)_

 _Cut to_ **Caboose** _in_ **Sheila** _outside of_ **Red Base**.

 **Sheila** : Target locked. _(Explosion)_ Target acquired. Target locked.

 **Caboose** : Stop, Sheila, stop! _(Explosion)_ Stop firing!

 **Sheila** : Target lock disengaged.

 **Simmons** : Stop shooting! _(Fires gun)_

 **Grif** : _(fires gun)_ Yeah, stop shooting!

 **Simmons** : _(aims gun)_ Actually, shoot him! _(Points to_ **Grif** _)_

 **Grif** : HEY! _(Shoots_ **Simmons** _)_

 **Caboose** : We're sorry. Right, Sheila?

 **Sheila** : Die, Reds. I mean, yeah, we're sorry.

 **Sarge** : So do you surrender?

 **Church** _and_ **Tucker** _run up to_ **Sheila** _and_ **Caboose**.

 **Church** : What the fuck is going on?

 **Caboose** : I was driving around and then Sheila started shooting these people.

 **Sarge** : Are you surrendering or not?

 **Tucker** : Surrender? We're the ones attacking you!

 **Simmons** : Suck it, Blues! _(Fires gun)_

 **Church** : _(ducks behind_ **Sheila** _)_ We're not surrendering! _(To_ **Caboose** _)_ Keep firing, idiot!

 **Caboose** : Sorry Red Team, but I have to fire at you. _(To_ **Sheila** _)_ Shoot them.

 **Sheila** : _(turning canon to face_ **Church** _)_ Target acquired.

 **Caboose** : No, not him!

 **Church** : Son of a– _(explosion)_

 **Sarge** : What in Sam Hell? They just shot their own guy!

 **Tex** _walks into frame, apparently just finished with some other business._

 **Tex** : What the fuck?

 **Tucker** : Well, we told Caboose to go talk to Sheila, but then he started shooting the Reds, and now this happened.

 **Sheila** : Target acquired. Target locked. _(Fires at Reds)_

 **Tucker** : I call Church's sniper rifle.

 **Tex** : _(picks up sniper rifle first)_ Nope.

 **Tucker** : Fuck!

 **Tex** : Well, are we attacking them or not?

 **Caboose** : Ah! _(Explosion)_ Why can't we just be nice to the other people?

 **Tucker** : Because we're the Blue Team, and they're the Red Team!

 **Simmons** : _(firing vigorously)_ Suck it, Blues!

 **Tucker** : Suck it, Reds! _(Fires at_ **Red Team** _)_

 **Sarge** : Where's the extra ammo? _(_ **Sarge** _and_ **Simmons** _both turn to look at_ **Grif** _)_

 **Grif** : Why're you looking at me? I don't have it.

 **Simmons** _'s gun is empty. Quickly, so are the rest of_ **Red Team** _'s guns._

 **Grif** : …

 **Red Team** _puts down their guns._

 **Tucker** : Wait, are they surrendering?

 **Tex** : Looks like they just ran out of ammo. _(Cocks gun)_

 **Tucker** : Wait, we can negotiate their terms for surrender! _(To_ **Red Team** _)_ Let's negotiate the terms for your surrender.

 **Sarge** : _(To_ **Red Team** _)_ Surrender? Wow. I never thought it would come to this. _(Fake tears)_ You were all good soldiers. Except for Grif.

 **Grif** : Hey!

 **Tucker** : Hello? Your surrender?

 **Sarge** : _(with no hesitation)_ We'll give you Grif!

 **Grif** : No!

 **Simmons** : Good tactical planning, Sarge. _(To_ **Blue Team** _)_ But only if you give us the freelancer.

 **Tex** : No. Way.

 **Tucker** : Um, this is your surrender, right? We get to decide the terms. _(To_ **Tex** _)_ Don't worry, I'm not going to give you up. And now that Church is dead, you're going to admit who's best, right? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

 **Tex** : No. _(repairs_ **Church** _)_ And Church isn't dead any longer.

 **Church** : What took you so long?

 **Tucker** : _(To_ **Red Base** _)_ We'll take Grif, but we're keeping Tex.

 **Sarge** : Oh dammit. Fine. Grif, go.

 **Church** : Seriously, what the fuck is going on?

 **Grif** _walks over to the_ **Blue Team**.

 **Grif** : Hey, I'm–

 **Church** : We know who you are. Now, first things first, go fix the teleporter.

 **Grif** : …

 _Cut to_ **Blue Base** _roof._ **Grif** , **Tucker** , **Church** , _and_ **Caboose** _are standing in front of the teleporter, a toolbox still open next to it._

 **Grif** : _(inspects the teleporter, then looks through toolbox)_ Where's the wrench?

 **Church and Tucker** : …

 _Screen fades to black._

 **Caboose** : I found the screwdriver!

* * *

 **First short. Good? Bad? Does it remind you of _Blood Gulch in any way?_**


	2. Mines Over Money

**Author's note: We return with another issue of the best of Blood Gulch. So get ready to sit back and laugh at more of your favorite Machinima characters.**

* * *

Mines Over Money

 _Inside_ **Blue Base** _with just Church and Tex._

 **Church** : Tex, I–

 **Tucker** : _(Burst in from left of Tex)_ Hey Tex!

 **Church** : What the fu–

 **Tucker** : Wanna have a ride in the tank?

 **Tex** : I think there's only one seat.

 **Church** : What the fuck, man? Get the fuck out!

 **Tucker** : ( _ignores Church_ ) No worries, Tex. I can walk. ( _Looks suave_ )

 **Tex** : No. ( _Turns and walks away_ )

 **Church** : You fucked up everything, Tucker. Tex and I were having a moment!

 **Tucker** : A moment? The only moments you two ever have involve you insulting each other.

 **Church** : You know what? I fucking hate you.

 _We cut to outside_ **Red Base,** _a supply ship taking off and leaving, with_ **Sarge** _and_ **Grif** _standing next to wooden crates labeled "Caution: Explosive. Handle with care."_

 **Sarge** : Get moving, Grif. Those new ammo boxes won't move by themselves!

 **Grif** : But Donut could certainly move them better. _(Carelessly kicks a crate)_

 **Sarge** : No go! Be more careful, Grif. And besides, Donut is decorating the Warthog!

 **Grif** : Decorating? What? Oh, never mind. What about Simmons?

 **Sarge** : Simmons is distracting the Blues!

 **Grif** : Oh, God.

 _Outside_ **Blue Base** _around the center of the canyon,_ **Caboose** _stands mundanely, looking at the rocks._ **Simmons** _walks up to him._

 **Caboose** : Hi Red guy!

 **Simmons** : What are you doing so far from your base?

 **Caboose** : I was… walking. What are you doing here?

 **Simmons** : _(elusively_ ) Nothing.

 **Caboose** : Me too! Let's do nothing together!

 **Simmons** : _(trying to walk around_ **Caboose** _)_ No thank you. Have a… um, nice day.

 **Caboose** : What are you doing? _(Skirts in front of_ **Simmons** _)_ Church told me not to let anyone pass.

 **Simmons** : Really? _(Thinking)_ Um, he meant except for me.

 **Caboose** : I'm sorry. He told me to shoot anyone who passed. _(Aims gun)_ He's my best friend.

 **Simmons** : _(backing away slowly)_ Okay, no problem. _(Shoots Caboose)_

 **Caboose** : Ow! No fair!

 **Simmons** : Suck it, Blues! _(Runs past_ **Caboose** _'s_ _body towards_ **Red Base** _)_

 _Cut to outside_ **Red Base**. **Simmons** _is running towards_ **Blue Base,** **Grif** _following him in the distance._

 **Grif** : Stop, Simmons! No! Stop!

 **Simmons** : _(far away)_ Suck it, Blues! _(Sprays bullets at_ **Blue Base** _)_

 **Grif** : Stop! No, I need you to move the am–

 **Simmons** : _(charging faster)_ Suck it Bl– _(steps on a land mine and the mine explodes)_

 **Grif** : Ammo boxes… Idiot! Did he forget about the land mines we planted between Red Base and Blue Base? _(Turns to walk back to_ **Red Base** _)_ I guess I do have to– _(steps on another land mine)_ Son of a bitch! _(Explosion)_

 _Cut to_ **Caboose** _'s side of the canyon_. **Tex** _walks up to_ **Caboose**.

 **Tex** : ( _walks up to Caboose_ ) Did those two Red guys blow themselves up with their own land mines?

 **Caboose** : _(favoring hurt foot)_ I think so. They were mean to me.

 **Tex** : _(sighs)_ Okay, whatever.

 **Caboose** : Wait! Can you– ( _steps on a land mine_ ) Oh no. _(Explosion)_

 _Cut to inside_ **Blue Base**. **Church** _and_ **Tucker** _are still bickering, but the argument has significantly escalated._

 **Church** : ( _cocks gun_ ) Get out, Tucker.

 **Tucker** : Hey, what did I do? Bow chicka bow wow!

 **Church** : Get. Out. ( _Aims gun_ )

 **Tex** : _(walks in)_ Two Red guys blew themselves up. And I think Caboose did, too.

 **Tucker** : Bow chicka bow wow!

 **Church** : Shut up! ( _Hits_ Tucker)

 **Tex** : ( _annoyed_ ) I'm leaving. _(Leaves)_

 **Church** : …Tex?

 **Tucker** : …

 _Cut to_ **Tex** _walking outside of_ **Blue Base**.

 **Tucker** : _(off screen)_ Hey! ( _Gunshot_ ) Son of a bitch!

 **Tex** : Serves you right. ( _Continues walking towards_ **Red Base** )

 _Cut to inside_ **Red Base**. **Sarge** _is standing with his back to the door._

 **Donut** : ( _comes in from decorating the Warthog and faces_ **Sarge** ) Sarge, you're gonna love the doilies and the fog machine–

 **Sarge** : Where's Grif? He's been gone long enough! I still need him to move the ammo crates–

 **Donut** : Grif? Grif and Simmons just died. They stepped on the land mines we set, though I don't remember there bring so many–

 **Sarge** : Oh, dehrh. Simmons was a good soldier. ( _Fake tears_ ) He will be missed.

 **Donut** : ( _Sees_ **Tex** _aiming sniper rifle_ ) Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Oh, Grif probably backstabbed him. Poor Simmons.

 **Donut** : Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Simmons probably never even saw it coming.

 **Donut** : Sarge!

 **Sarge** : What, Donut? Can't you see I'm mourning for our fallen comrades?

 **Donut** : ( _points to_ **Tex** ) Sniper!

 **Sarge** : Oh Sam Hell! ( _Ducks_ )

 **Donut** : ( _gets shot_ ) Ah!

 _Cut to outside of_ **Red Base** , _where_ **Tex** _is_.

 **Tex** : Idiots.

 **Church** _runs up from_ **Blue Base**.

 **Church** : Tex! I'm sorry! Wait, what are you doing?

 **Tex** : _(turns around)_ Hey Church. ( _Aims rifle)_

 **Church** : No! Stop! _(Tex fires)_ Son of a bitch!

 **Tex** _turns, and with deliberate patience, sights_ **Sarge** _in her scope and fires._

 **Sarge** : _(in distance)_ Son of a bitch!

 **Doc** _walks up next to_ **Tex**.

 **Doc** : _(in_ **O'Malley** _'s_ _voice)_ Goodbye, Tex. Muh hah hah!

 **Tex** : Wait, but our deal! My money!

 **O'Malley** : _(cocks gun)_ What deal? _(Fires)_

 **Tex** : Son of a bitch! _(Dies)_

 **O'Malley** : Now! Finally! I have all of Blood Gulch to myself!

 **Doc** : But there's nothing here. We should just revive them all. _(Waves healing wand)_ It'll be more fun.

 **O'Malley** : Shut up. That's a bad idea. _(whispers)_ But you are right. It's empty here. ( **Doc** _revives Tex_ )

 **Tex** : Fuck you! _(Turns off radio and shoots at_ **Doc)**

 **O'Malley** : Ow. Told you it was a bad idea.

 **Tex** : Leave, O'Malley. Just go. _(Fires again_ )

 **Doc** : Wait, you need me to heal– _(_ **Tex** _shoots him again)_ Blergh!

 **Tex** : _(grabs healing wand)_ I can do that myself. Where's Church?

 _Screen fades to black._

 **Church** : Asshole!

* * *

 **Good? Bad? Too crazy? Feel free to let me know in a review :)**


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